What the hell?
by Vycre
Summary: Battles and wars have been fought. They have been lost and won. Friends and family were lost and found again. Everything is in the past and life is well on planet Earth. But a simple, ordinary piece of technology changes all that. Crazy things are being discoverd and can only be described with three simple words: What the hell?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

The sun is shining and a light, warm breeze is makes it a very comfortable day. The place is buzzing with sound of laughing and running children and everybody seems to be enjoying themselves. That being said, all but one. A blond woman lounges on a small bench against an old farmhouse in the burning sun. She looks relaxed and calm, but if you would take the time to look closer you can see her eyes nervously flitting from child, to adult, to animal and back to the child.

"Do something new and exciting they say. Start a new hobby they say. Enjoy the fresh air for once they say. Why the hell am I here?" she mutters to herself.

"Samantha Carter? Hi I'm Jack." A tall, dark haired, strong looking man is walking across the courtyard towards the bench.

"Great and on top of all this, I'm going to make a total fool of myself in front of a really good looking man", Samantha hisses underneath her breath, before getting a grip on herself and muster a dazzling smile on her face. "That's me!"

The two of them walk around the buildings surrounding the courtyard and into the pastures that lay behind.

 _Please let it be small. Please let be small. Please let be small._

In the middle of these lush green fields are two small and three large sandy riding rings filled with children and adults trotting and galloping in circles on all different sizes of horses. The ring on the far right side is empty except for a middle sized brown horse who is patiently waiting for his rider. The animal lifts his head and looks at Samantha and the instructor as they enter the ring. His ears are bent forwards as he curiously steps towards Samantha.

"Don't worry, he won't bite", Jack says smiling. "Beaver here is one of our older horses and perfectly fit for new riders.'

"You have a horse named Beaver?" The woman grins while the horse pushes his nose against her hand impatiently. Without any further thought Samantha raises her hand and pets the snorting nose of Beaver.

"Are you ready to climb onboard?"

She manages to put her foot in the stirrup and with a little bit of help Samantha pulls herself up onto the horse's back and into the saddle. Jack adjusts the stirrups and shows her how to hold the reigns and steps backwards with a lunge line in his hand. "Don't worry, Beaver can only go in circles. I will control his speed and you only need to hold on for dear life and stay in the saddle."

"Ah, that's nice for poor my back and thighs" With a sight of relieve Samantha lowers herself into her tub full of warm water. She has to admit, riding that horse was a lot more fun that she would ever have dared to hope. Relaxing yet thrilling at the same time. It reminded her of all those missions off world where the balance between action and recreation was just perfect. All those past years were always about captain, major and colonel Sam Carter saving the day with clever inventions or smart solutions. But today was about Samantha Cater being alone and free in a long time. The horse didn't judge her on her looks or smart wits. Not on her knowledge of alien technology or the universe. And definitely not on her military rank or her connections. Who would have thought that an impulsive idea coming from Jack O'neill was such a success. With another deep breath she releases all tension that have built up in her muscles and she lets herself submerge in the water. All is quiet and peaceful. She hasn't felt this much in touch with her inner self in decades.

"Prrrr prrrr"

"Prrrr prrrr"

Even submerged underneath the water the real world is still pulling at Colonel Samantha Carter.

"Prrrr prrrr"

"Prrrr prrrr"

"I'm coming! I'm coming!" Samantha runs, wrapped in a few towels, through the living room in a hurry to get her phone before it stops ringing. Just before she picks up the phone her eyes flash over the screen and she sees that she already has missed three calls in the past five minutes.

"Colonel Carter"

"Hi Sam, how are you? Taking your time on your day off? Good for you!"

"Hello to you too general O'Neill. Wasn't it you who suggested that I'd take a day off?"

"Yes of course! I just didn't thought that you would actually do it. Damn, now I owe Daniel and Teal'c pizza and beers."

"You guys made a bet whether or not I would be able to take a day off of work and enjoy life?" Samantha asks full disbelieve. "Of course I can take a day off! It's not like I'm a workaholic!"

"Well… then you made a real effort all those past years in convincing us otherwise colonel. Because we were starting to believe that you had become allergic to Earth's atmosphere and you were doomed to an eternal life within Cheyenne Mountain."

"Why are you calling general?"

"We have been summoned to base by general Landry. We are all here already, but you are still gloriously missing."

"Well maybe a certain general should not have suggested a day off. Give me 15 minutes and I'll be there."

"Colonel Carter, good of you to join us. My apologies that I had to pull you from your time off, but you being here was one of their demands" general Landry says the moment Samantha walks into the briefing room.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be here any sooner general"

"Are you walking a bit stiff and funny?" Daniel asks his friend when she finally reaches her chair.

"No I'm not."

"It just looks like… doesn't she likes…?" Daniel looks across the table at Jack for some support who is eager to give it to him.

"Yes, I already thought I saw a slight hiccup in her step. She pulls a bit with her left leg."

"Yes, yes I noticed the same thing! Did you do any sports today? Did you do something where you could pull an actual muscle?"

Five pair of curious eyes are looking directly at Samantha so she decides the best course of defense is offence.

"Yes, I did pull a muscle and yes I did practice a sport today. It's relaxing and satisfactory to be active and outdoors. And since when do the two of you agree on anything?!" She slams, full of passionate fire, her hand onto the table. "And to tell you something really extraordinary… I'm going to it again in the near future!"

"If everybody just wants to calm down again we can start this meeting and I can tell you all why you are here" General Landry slides a few folders across the table.

"With Atlantis floating around the San Francisco Bay we have been having direct access to the database of the Ancients and all their mapping technology. But the most interesting thing about this technology is that apparently worlds have been scanned and cataloged while Atlantis was on its way here to the Milky Way. Worlds that don't have Stargates, worlds that nobody knew were there because of large voids between solar systems and worlds that have newly formed."

"So I take it, general, that something worthwhile has popped up among these new planets?" Jack asks with a bored look on his face. Had they been summoned for this? He was hoping for something wicked space gun, but this is just plain boring.

"Yes, general. Something interesting has been found. It appears that on one of these worlds traces of technology have been detected of a race known to as the Tollans."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Why again are we in a spaceship with hím?" Jack's voice sounds harsh in the strained silence. "We could perfectly have driven there ourselves."

Daniel, Teal'c, Sam, Cameron and Jack are stuck in a full puddle jumper together with the team of the former Atlantis expedition. Jack doesn't likes it and he didn't mind voicing his opinion loudly back at Stargate Command. Unfortunately, for him general Landry had a different opinion and with him being the senior general of the two Jack had no choice but to grudgingly accept the second team.

"We needed the puddle jumper, Jack, and all puddle jumpers fall under command of the leader of the Atlantis expedition", Daniel says in the hope it will calm Jack a bit.

The older man however only rolls with his eyes. "They had to leave their galaxy in order to stop an enemy who only came to Earth because their own faulty operations".

"Oh and you on the other hand NEVER made any enemies during your time as leader of SG1" Rodney Mckay has been quiet for long enough and he almost jumps form his chair in pure agony. "We are the better team and we have the smarter scientist and we have the better doctor…" Those last words were shouted and the irritating doctor looks around triumphantly only to see shocked angry and teary eyes.

"That was not nice of you Rodney", Jennifer utters with a soft voice. She is well aware of the legendary doctor of the SGC, Janet Fraiser. "You should apo…"

Her words are cut off by the squealing of Rodney while he is being dragged of his feet by his throat and held high into the air. "You are an annoying little man and you will apologize to the members of SG1 this very moment" The sincere voice of Teal'c somehow manages to calm everyone in the puddle jumper. Nobody seems to be concerned about Rodney who his still at least a feet in the air with his air supply being cut off.

"Rodney you'll better apologize now or otherwise you can never bother us again with your smartiness", John Sheppard calls from the driver's seat.

"That isn't even a word you moron!" is de faint reply of the doctor. "Okay okay I apologize. It was a mistake" Mckay fills his lungs with air with a loud gasp and for a few minutes it's quiet again in the jumper.

"We could have left him home you know. We have Carter and she is way smarter than Mckay" Jack mentions.

"Is not" Mckay replies.

"Is"

"Is not"

"Is"

"Is not"

…..

"We made it to planet boys and girls, so please shut up and put on your seat bells."

The puddle jumper is covering in orbit over a small planet. It seems like a very small version of Earth. There is lots and lots of water and two large landmasses. "Can we scan the planet?" Rodney asks John and their pilot places his hands on the console and squeezes his eyes in concentration. But there is no information appearing anywhere.

"Here let me try" Jack takes over the pilot's seat and places his hand over the console. Within seconds all kinds of information appears on the in front of the entire jumper crew. "Can someone tell me what we're looking at because I need all my concentration to keep this thing running."

"It's all about the landmasses and the water quantities", Sam replies while her eyes dart over the data. "Apparently it has the same atmospheric conditions as Earth and it looks quite lively according to these reading. There is a diverse animal population and a large variety plants and trees. The only thing that is missing are humanoid life signs." She thinks for a moment before turning to face Rodney. "Are you sure this the planet Atlantis scanned and found traces of Tollan technology? You can confirm the readings here. There isn't a trace of Tollan material."

Rodney lets his own eyes pass over all the date and he shakes his head disappointed. "Perhaps it was some debris in space that floated by. You are right. There is no indication in these readings that the Tollans crash landed on this planet."

"But perhaps I might have a clue about those Tollan readings!" The voice of John rings through the jumper.

Rodney is back in his seat, at the very back of the jumper, and he shakes his head. "There is no way a fighter pilot can see something in those readings than two genius doctors combined."

"Will you shut up for once Mckay?!" Jack shouts angrily at the man behind him. "If the colonel says he is seeing something than he is seeing something!"

"I'm the smartest man on Earth so stop telling me what to do!"

"I'm the general of this bunch so bet ya ass I'm telling you what to do!"

"No way I'm listening to y…"

Both fighting parties fall silent when John pushes Jack from his chair and takes command of the jumper. Without further explanation, he takes the small spaceship into a steep dive only to pull up fast and spin it a looping. Light bulbs flashes passed the jumper at a distance of only a few meters and de colonel takes the jumper for a dive and roll again.

"What the hell are you doing? And what is chasing us?"

"That's what I was trying to tell you general. My clue of Tollan life signs is that huge space canon that appeared behind us in orbit and now started shooting at us."

"Takes us down to the planet. Now!"

John takes the puddle jumper for another spin, dive and roll but whatever he does, he simply can't shake the shooting ball behind them. It seems like that thing has a mind of his own and is adapting after every move it sees the puddle jumper make. In a last desperate attempt John pushes down the nose of the spacecraft and tries a straight path down towards the planet. For a moment it seems to work, but even now the shooting ball has anticipated the jumpers move. It takes two more shots for the canon to finally hit one of the engines of the puddle jumpers and with smoke trailing behind them, the teams from Earth are crashing on the unfamiliar planet far from Earth, Atlantis and the ship _General Hammond._

3


End file.
